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River marries a robot and pterodactyls prefer sandwiches in this timey-wimey romp!

In Holy Roman Emperor Winston Churchill’s Britain it’s always 5:02 o’clock somewhere.

Lucky for Winnie, he has a soothsayer he can call upon to regale him with crazy stories about a world when time used to work and wasn’t disintegrating the fabric of reality.

When the Silence shows up to cut short this hirsute hobo’s shaggy doc stories, secret agent Amy Pond and her captive captain Williams get this garrulous geezer to Giza.

The Doctor’s ready to call it quits and River’s poised to sacrifice it all for her marriage. Only a wedding can save the life of the doctor, the universe and everything.

Here's what we think of N087 The Wedding of River Song

We rate Doctor Who stories on a scale from 0.0 to 5.0. For context, very few are excellent enough to merit a 5.0 in our minds, and we'd take a 0.0 Doctor Who story over a lot of other, non-Whovian stuff out there.

Leon | @ponken


Drew | @drewbackwhen


Marie | @hammashandjelly


Jim | @jimmythewho


Here's what we think of N087 The Wedding of River Song

We rate Doctor Who stories on a scale from 0.0 to 5.0. For context, very few are excellent enough to merit a 5.0 in our minds, and we'd take a 0.0 Doctor Who story over a lot of other, non-Whovian stuff out there.

Leon | @ponken


Drew | @drewbackwhen


Marie | @hammashandjelly


Jim | @jimmythewho


Here's what you think 5 Responses to “N087 The Wedding of River Song”
  1. Trenton Bless | @trentonbless

    The Doctor is in America! Hurray! Wait, he gets shot down?!?! By an astronaut that emerges from a lake?!?! Well, things got off very fast, didn’t they?

    But in all seriousness, this series started off at an insane pace but then when the finale came, it was a bit anticlimactic. It was River the whole time? And the Doctor didn’t actually die? Well… why though? Why put us through all this? Just to mess with us emotionally?

    So many questions, not enough answers. If I had one story I really enjoyed, it was The Doctor’s Wife. What a unique idea with the TARDIS being a woman (I think we all wished really hard for that one) and actually being able to talk with the Doctor. The banter those two share is so good! It’s wonderfully done!

    Now let’s get onto the low point. Closing Time is a flipping disaster of a story. As a Cyberman fanboy, seeing the Cybermen defeated by the “power of love” is just so awful. Remember in the Classic Series when they were defeated by radiation, chemical cocktails, lasers and missiles? Where did all that go to lead to the “power of love” ending the plans of the Cybermen? Also, the cringy stuff with everybody thinking the Doctor and James Corden are gay is just terribly executed. It’s just so bloody cringy I can’t stand it!

    Let’s get to the ratings (I’ll also be counting A Christmas Carol here in the total):

    A Christmas Carol: 4.0
    NOTES: This is my favorite Doctor Who Christmas Special and it even works as an adaptation of the Charles Dickens Classic!

    Impossible Astronaut/Day of the Moon: 3.0
    NOTES: Brilliant opener. Perhaps it set the bar pretty high, but we’ll see.

    The Curse of the Black Spot: 2.4
    NOTES: Not a huge fan of this one, but I do appreciate the effort that went in to it.

    The Doctor’s Wife: 4.2
    NOTES: Brilliantly risky. An idea that had the potential to flop, but it did way better than everyone thought.

    Rebel Flesh/Almost People: 3.2
    NOTES: Love the idea of The Flesh going nuts, and that cliffhanger, goodness!

    A Good Man Goes to War: 3.5
    NOTES: Many secrets were revealed and all that other jazz. It’s all downhill from here.

    Let’s Kill Hitler: 2.4
    NOTES: They didn’t kill Hitler. Obviously. Also, enter Mels/River Song.

    Night Terrors: 3.3
    NOTES: Really flipping creepy! One would have some pretty crazy night terrors after watching this.

    The Girl Who Waited: 2.5
    NOTES: Old Amy is a badass, but this story is kind of forgettable.

    The God Complex: 2.7
    NOTES: Interesting episode. But not great.

    Closing Time: 1.0
    NOTES: Garbage. NEXT!!!

    The Wedding of River Song: 2.1
    NOTES: Underwhelming ending and basically is a rehash of the Universe collapsing from Series 5.

    So, this series earns a final score of: 2.86/5. Series 6 started off really hot but ended on an anticlimax. It had its moments, but I really wasn’t into it as much as I was with Series 5.

    Also, since my average rating system confused you for Series 5, here’s how it works: I review each episode and then I get the average rating for the series through a bit of math.

  2. Star Wars Syl | @StarWarsSyl

    Dorium says at the end of this episode that the oldest question, the first ever question is: Who is the Doctor? Except the writer was cutesy about it.

    Now, how can this be, given the Doctor is not the first person ever, and presumably people were asking questions before he showed up for the first time?

    Never fear! I have figured it out!

    Remember when the Doctor went to go see the oldest writing in the universe, and it turned out to be River’s graffiti “Hello Sweetie”? This is how the original question, the first-ever question came to be. The earliest species looked up at that cliff, saw the writing and asked, “Who the hell is Sweetie?!”


    But in all seriousness, I do love this episode very much. River gets married! To a robot, with a tinier Doctor inside! Spy Amy was excellent, it’s my favorite version of her, and Soldier Rory is excellent. Besides. The angst is spectacular.

    4.9 out of 5 happy grins, because this episode always makes me feel happy inside. Almost like I’m a tiny Syl peering out of the eye of a person-sized Teselecta Syl.

  3. Michael Ridgway | @Bad_Movie_Club

    The Wedding of River Song Mini

    Things I liked:

    • The whimsical timey whimey mish mash of stuff (kind of fun, even if it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever).
    • Churchie! Love that guy!
    • Eye Patch Lady and her goon that gets eaten by skulls.
    • The Silence attack in the Pyramid was super cool!
    • A farewell reference to the Brigadier. We miss you Nicholas Courtney. :(
    • The Teselecta twist was satisfactory. I’m just glad we didn’t get another “love conquers all” resolution. I don’t think my carpet will survive another bout of stomach acid after the vom fests of Fear Her 2 and Closing Time.


    • It all felt a bit, erm, familiar. Like a bunch of previous episodes had been stitched together, along with the flaws of those episodes. My biggest beef being the Doctor allying with the Teselecta crew (although shrinking then killing murderous shitheads across time and space is undeniably funny, it doesn’t really fit with the Doctor’s ethos of justice).

    Summary: not a classic but an entertaining finale, and some very cool bits (I have a soft spot for scenes where human military types are losing gun battles with baddie aliens – a key ingredient to the very best Seventh Doctor stories).

    Rating: 2.9/5 – chomping cannibal skulls.

  4. Tracey | @yecartniatnuof

    Assorted thoughts!

    Am I the only one getting a weird misogynist vibe from the way Matt Smith says “a woman” like his lip is curling in scorn?
    In the bar is he reading Knitting for Girls?

    This is a weird mad confusing episode. Mashups and mixed up history, fun music and kooky skulls, twists and turns and it’s all so epic and stuff. This doesn’t make any dang sense but it looks good, sounds good, and the pacing is spot on.

    What’s up with Matt’s hair in this episode? He has the time (and the stability) to get clean-shaven on the train but can’t be bothered with the hair?

    Oh yeah hey, why did he think he had to die on earth if he also had to die on Trenzalore?

    Dang I love this episode.

    A Roman Aqueduct made of the Internet

  5. Jim The Fish

    Wow, I really, really hated that episode. They spent an entire season and more building up a mystery and tonnes of mythology around a central event…Then ruined it by resolving it in the cheapest, most uninspired, obvious way. And then just to make matters worse we hear the worst title drop – no, possibly the worst spoken line of dialogue – in the history of television with Maldovar saying “DOCTOR WHO?”

    The reveal about the Teselecta poses more problems for the episode. Everyone watching has already guessed that’s probably how he faked his death, to the point where it’s no longer an interesting question, meaning it was guaranteed to leave viewers disappointed at the very end of the series.

    The fact that this is then worked backwards into the already baffling climactic scene, in the form of 11 secretly signalling River to see the Teselecta while apparently marrying her, means it manages to undercut what’s supposed to be the emotional arc of the episode as well.

    It’s sad the Brig is confirmed to be dead just as we come to the end of UNIT being regularly involved in Classic Who

    It’s sad the Brig is confirmed to be dead just as we come to the end of UNIT being regularly involved in Classic Who

    Still, it was better than it could have been, but was nonetheless completely pointless in a way. The status quo is maintained.


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